It sounds so much easier said than done … It has been one of my biggest lessons and gifts of discovery.

At one point I thought that I would stop photography to just pursue life in the “Spiritual World”  … I just laugh now reading this, because so many of my biggest insights have come in the “ordinary world” … with all it’s messiness and disturbance …. and total complete beauty …. I see now, that if peace is there even in those  crazy moments …. then THIS is the real spiritual world … no difference at all!! It’s there whether I want it or not, IT is always  available  waiting for me to STOP and SEE and BE … the sacred in every day life!! Yahoo!!

We are once again planning our trip to India for the winter … we will be offering some retreats … will keep you posted.

Life is Beautiful … no need to forget.

It has been a long time since I have wanted to write and merge two worlds that have been so vital to my life. The outer  world of images and photography and the inner world of “Truth, Consciousness and Bliss”. This was the perfect opportunity to “marry” these 2 parts. Many friends who know me through my spiritual world know me as Anu, and those who know me in the photo world know me as Benedicte, this blog will be both worlds united.

WHO ARE YOU …who who who who  …
I was always asking who?
Who is God?  Who is this creator?

Who am I?

Everyone has the same longing to come home, to be one with all of life. This longing drives us to gather in search of the mystical, the spiritual, the natural, the unexplainable…

Since I was a small child, I had a deep burning to know who …. at the age of nine I wondered why other children could be so cruel to each other, at 13 I  decide that the Jewish religion was better than the Catholic because of a book I read.  And then adolescences rolled around,  and at age 15 I chose to remain in the fields like saint Francis instead of going to church with the rest of my family. 18 brought in Buddhist scriptures that inspired me to go deeper on my quest. And during a break at university I came home feeling utterly lost and hopeless and asked my mother what was the point of all this thing called life ? “Go and search”, she said,  “and have your own experiences that will bring you understanding”.  She has been one of my greatest teachers …

With that, I went traveling to Italy, to photograph, seeing every piece of art and reading every inspiring book I could find,  and then to Greece where I was given a book that haunted me. It was a book of Osho and I felt immediately afraid that if I listened to this man I may loose my life as I knew it.  While staying in the caves of Crete I had profound dream…  I was walking in a spiral mountain going inwards.  It was dark and damp and I was alone. I came to an inner cave and saw Osho there. I was shocked because he was so approachable, so much like a friend, we had tea together and he than  he said that he wanted to give me  a gift.  But that the condition on the gift was that I had to accept it or reject it, either was fine but that I had to make a choice. I said that I needed to think about this, so I walked a bit then came back and said, yes, I will accept this gift. He then said, come into my cave I am going to make love to you. I broke down screaming and crying, totally freaked out, as I was very innocent sexually at that time and afraid … but I soon calmed down and went inside with all my courage. He looked at me gently and lovingly and said the gift has been given, now go … I was very confused as nothing seemed to have happened. But I found a pond, I watched the fish and wanted to see one more closely but it was swimming away, so I started walking on the water.  I thought, oh was this the gift, to walk on water? I just laughed, confused and woke up. It was one of those dreams that was more real than a dream and stayed with me for many years.  It was like a koan that I had to figure out … what was the gift? I read Osho’s books and practiced his meditations. I had a secret spiritual world that was between me and Osho. If I had a question I asked Osho, and an answer would come. This happened more and more frequently, falling into these spaces of pure joy for no reason at all.  I would read a line that said “look at your thoughts as if you are  a witness” and as I lay down to sleep it happened, I was watching my thoughts from behind myself. So strange, yet so familiar, so easy, yet so impossible all at the same time, just watching watching watching,  seeing myself live life. This came and went and I felt utterly confused at the whole thing …

Then finally I was able to to India … Which was like coming home: the smells, the craziness, the people, I loved it all. Once I arrived at OSHO’s ashram, I discovered that I was doing all the meditations wrong and would just laugh and laugh. I decided to take sannyas and receive a new name in order to devote my life to the discovery of the divine.

I waited and beautiful music was being played at the celebration, I was moved and crying in joy and then as my new name was given, I disappeared. It was like those evenings that I remained in bed alone, watching my thoughts.  I just disappeared and it was more beautiful than I ever could have imagined. It was not emotional at all, just a silent contentment, a deep peace that was connected to everything and all of life. I knew in that moment the perfection of all. I knew then that there was no good or bad, no heaven or hell, that all of life was perfect.  It was all so simple and I laughed and remained alone for 10 days just weeping in deep gratitude for this real gift that I now understood. I reflected back to that first dream and wondered if this was the gift?

After being named Benedicte which means blessed, it was a real joke to discover the ultimate meaning of my new name, as well as my birth name. While being in India I went on an Enfield with a dear friend and photographed in the villages around Pune over a period of two weeks.

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I felt like a child who was learning how to walk for the first time, with a guide that I met in my silent moments of meditation. I continued to have  experiences of joy and silence sporadically and tried to find a way to keep that delicious feeling of “oneness”, trying to recreate the situation, trying to control the outer circumstances to produce this inward ecstasy. And I utterly failed, thank god, because I came to know that it it is none of my business what life wants to give me, I can seemingly choose, yet it is life choosing through me, living through me.

In these deep surrenders I discovered this profound joy again and again … I was disappearing again and again and gratitude was all that remained.  I discovered the true meaning of my name – Divine Gratitude / Deva Anugraha. This gratitude that arose out of that which I DID NOT want, but accepted with an open heart. I understood for the first time the meaning of the Taoist saying of going with the flow… and I not only understood it, I felt such a joy, such an out of this world connectedness to life.

After this profound spiritual awakening happened in 1998, spontaneous teaching then began. I led 21 day retreats in India and Europe and organized the “Festival of Life” in Italy. I also continued to shoot weddings and fashion spreads,  yet the shooting took on a totally different quality, it was effortless and more and more like a meditation. It didn’t matter what I was doing, it was all perfect and part of the plan of my life.

Recently I was invited by my dear friend Tracy Hart to share “Joy and Gratitude in Everyday Life” at the Universalist Unitarian Church of South County. It was such a gift to be there and share and it was the beginning of these two worlds happening simultaneously in America.

Anurag my beloved, and I are offering gatherings at our home on Thursday evenings and I am getting geared up for a busy year of events and great photo shoots. Let us know if you are interested log on to www.caravanofbliss.org

It’s a gorgeous day, time to play in the sun ….